I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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