The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
