Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
