I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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