I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
