there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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