I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
