my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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