You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
