tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
