I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
