I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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