from now on my penis is your penis
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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