im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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