i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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