can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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