and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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