It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
