Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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