I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
