It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
