I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
