Im at strip club and am horny
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
