Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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