the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
