yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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