I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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