Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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