Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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