she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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