the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
