You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
