if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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