Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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