everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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