Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
