I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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