I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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