omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
