She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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