I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
