i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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