I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
