very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
