Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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