My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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