margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
