Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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