I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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