Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
