Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
